GUEST BLOGGER: JOHN STAPLETON
PART ONE: The Baby
A few years ago, I stayed back at lunch when a number of people went out. We all knew that the news of a baby’s birth was imminent. I was on the telephone lunch shift.
Lucky me – the fateful call came in from our contact at the hospital. I did not want to screw up. I consulted my notes and started through my questions.
“First of all, are they alright?” “They’re both fine” “How much did the baby weigh?” “Eight pounds, two ounces” “Great: when does she get out of hospital?” “By the weekend….”
“Oh and when is she going to visit us here?
“She will get in within two weeks – she promises”
“And oh before you go, did her partner get back from Calgary in time?”
“Yes…….just – by minutes”
“Ok – thanks so much”
I scribbled it all down as the lunch crew came back and looked at me expectantly.
I blurted out: “They’re both alright – her spouse got back in time, the baby’s just over 8 pounds….”
They cut me off and one woman asked:
“Ok enough already ….. Boy or girl?” (I looked sick)
“Sorry…. I didn’t……………..”
“Well dammit, what name did they choose?”
“Shit….”
“Well I’m sure that not what they called their child – it just so proves that you can’t leave a man to take a call like this…”
They walked out in a huff.
PART TWO: The Bodum
I met my brother’s friend a few years ago in a restaurant after we both had eaten separately. Both spouses were present. After a few pleasantries, he asked me how I liked my Bodum.
I hadn’t quite heard the question and thought about what it could be. Maybe he was talking about ‘boating’ which both my brother and I did as children, Quite a lot, actually so perhaps this made sense.
I said “We don’t do much of it anywhere.” “Oh, really? You don’t drink coffee?” “Yeah we still drink coffee” “But not very much?”
“Actually I drink a lot…”
“But you don’t use your Bodum?”
This time I heard it and realized he was using a word I had not heard before
Bravely, I asked:
“What’s a Bodum?”
“It’s what you told me you used to make coffee”
I was totally flummoxed – I racked my brain – this person was an acquaintance at best – clearly he thought I had told him about something but either he or I got it wrong. I was at total sea.
So rather than play out the sitcom double entendre, I let it all out saying that I had no idea what he was talking about. It didn’t work.
“You told me you bought a Bodum” I was bravened now – I knew I had said no such thing.
He then – with great exasperation – looking like he knew that I was trying to give him the most needless hard time in front of his partner for absolutely no reason at all – described this thing called a Bodum which I had known as nothing else except as a hand‐pressure filter coffee make.
We finally got it and although the pressure was off so to speak, the work that it took to get to this point was weighing on us all. We bid farewell.
Several more encounters have gone like this and I realize I am neither a name‐interested person nor do I think in terms of naming or brands.
For me, interest and vocabulary is defined and explained by function, description of place and coordinates that would never involve a name. More than once, like the baby or the Bodum, I have no idea what the name of the person, place or thing is. When the confusion comes, it is the first time I learn the name – the one piece of identification – that the other person is looking for.
OK – so you ‘name people’ – you’re out there – and us no‐name functional guys and gals are out there too.
Next time, I’ll ask: “Are you a name person or a function/description/coordinates person? – I am the latter…. If you are a names person, tell me now ….”
And I remember that our grandmothers used to go to the same school together in London and you got your degree in Scotland…. “Now what’s your name again?”
